The 2001 Quaker Peace Roundtable:
Workshop #12: Activist Self-Care and Avoiding Burnout
with John Calvi
Continued ---- 3
People burn out for two reasons. One
is
inappropriate giving. We give of gifts and skills
that are not right for us to share. The other is
insufficient acknowledgment of how hard the work we
do is. This exhaustion seems highest in those working
for non-profit agencies, because no one knows how hard
the work is.
John has identified two cultural myths, two
approaches to change and giving that don't work and
lead to burnout.
First is the John Wayne approach. If
something
needs changed, get a group and give it a kick. People
work hard thinking life will change soon. They work
and the monster doesn't change. They dance harder
until they've exhausted themselves, then blame
themselves, "I'm just not good enough."
We forget that no large, important work
happens
right away. The time frame was most likely
inappropriate.
The second approach is emulating June
Allyson.
Care givers, women especially, give until there is
nothing left. We exhaust ourselves waiting for
someone to confirm our goodness. But we are already
good. We've always been good. We don't honor anyone
by joining in suffering and exhausting ourselves.
We need to find reverence for giving -
whether we
give something small or something planned, giving is
sacred work. Mostly we give from our own personal
love - which is finite, but renewable.
It is scary to be in a place where there is
nothing left to give, especially to the person you
love best. If you are exhausted, look at your balance
of giving to receiving. In recent years, John has
worked with more clergy and therapists. One
particular therapist was very popular and very tired.
John asked her to make a chart. Across the
top were
PEER, MOMMY and BABY. Down the side was a list
including family, friends, marriage and work. Peer
was for equal giving and receiving, mommy was for
her giving and baby was when she received or was cared
for. This woman was usually the mommy. She was Earth
Mommy to half the city until she deliberately looked
at the balance. So where were all her hugs and
kisses, acknowledgment, juiciness?
Next, how do we change the balance?
A crucial question - have you always loved
yourself? This is essentially a vigil. John said he
has to remind himself. Some days are easy, some are
not. But over all, it gets easier.
At those times when we are out of balance,
what
is different? Do some parts of self resist? John
shared a story that ended with him on a beautiful
beach. He had to get past parts of himself that
didn't believe he deserve this. Parts of us simply
resist receiving.
As time drew to an end, John pointed out
that
those of us working for justice see people screwed.
We are angry. As Quakers, we need to know anger. We
need to know how to hang it up. We need to look at
the pain in our life in order to witness the pain in
other's lives. Our pain is our entry.
Then John tossed one last huge observation
at us
as we prepared to leave. He asked us to remember we
are not doing all our good works to save the world.
We are doing it to save ourselves. That our work
does improve the world is the universe's design.